At the end of last December I had an MRI that showed ‘significant results” The medical consensus is that whatever it is that showed up on the scan has a high probability of being benign but ‘we just don’t know’ So in the next few weeks I will have more tests , more waiting for results. I was pretty shaken up for the first few days and many new symptoms suddenly appeared but after the first night of broken sleep and worry and blurting out my worst fears to a trusted friend, I have been eating and sleeping pretty well. I also feel lucky to have a few close people who really get it that I can confide in.

I’ve asked my intuition what it feels and the response is ” whatever the results, you will be fine.” Thanks a lot intuition, you’re supposed to say ‘benign”. Trying to wrap my head around the notion that even if my worst fears are confirmed I will be ‘fine’ in a broader sense of things is a new notion and still scares me. I have always been of the ‘rage , rage against the dying of the light school of thought’ I’ve paid lip service to acceptance but never practiced it. My superstition has always been that if I accept my mortality it means I’m ready to die and I will die soon. I hope with this scare that will change and I will finally be able to write a will and an advanced directive. Yes, I know I should have done this long ago. I’m like a doctor who smokes.