Preliminary results of the biopsy I had Wednesday look favorable. When a neuroradiologist says she is optimistic, I take it as a very good sign.  My nerve root is most likely sharing its space a critter named schwannoma, a benign tumor of the neural sheath.  While final results and decisions about what to do – which range from watchful waiting to surgery lie ahead of me, for now, I am grateful to be returning to my regular routine with all its small joys and irritations.

I will try to remember the knowing I touched on, during this time, that my life has been a good and complete one even with all the gaps between my intentions and accomplishments.  I have felt this sense of ‘completeness’ now two times in my adult life. The first time was a couple years after my diagnosis of cancer when I was visiting the Temple at Delphi in Greece and was standing in the ancient stadium on top of the hill with my daughter; the second time a few weeks ago, in the midst of overwhelming fear, when I found out a mass had showed on my MRI.

This weekend  we’re flying to LA to visit my parents. I haven’t told them anything yet, I didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily. but as the days of non-disclosure stretched into weeks I became aware of the distance I was creating between us. I’m not sure I would do things differently, but I am more acutely aware of the cost of protecting  them and protecting myself from their fear. It will make me question more closely what I do in the name of ‘protection’. Here’s another question for discussion. How do you handle sharing unfavorable news with those closest to you? I often try to stay upbeat even humorous, try to demonstrate that I will be fine no matter what.  Its much harder to share my fears and vulnerabilities.  In close relationships its easier for me play the role of caretaker. I’m curious to know how others handle these issues.