I was sitting outside in the late afternoon sun two days ago after two MRIs looking over the China Basin canal at the houseboats along the shore and basking in a sense of well being and decided it was time to share my latest news with this group. Though it is impossible to find the right words, the process of trying to find them and share them with you in a meaningful way is healing for me.

One week after surgery just as I was about to sit down to dinner, my phone rang and changed my life (and my loved ones lives) again. The tumor that had been successfully unwrapped and removed from around my S1 nerve root, proved upon closer examination to be malignant. It has a new name, pleomorphic undifferentiated sarcoma and there is a fair chance it was triggered by the radiation treatment I received in 2006. This new diagnosis is a classification of exclusion; the pathologists have ruled out metastases and several other types of cancer, but they are unable to determine the tissue of origin and classify it as a specific type of sarcoma. I have been meeting with and talking to some great docs at UCSF and will pursue a second pathology opinion.

You have all received, or love someone who has received news like this. One surprise for me is that this time around I’m holding it differently. I don’t feel ripped off by the universe by having the rug so abruptly yanked out from under me again and I don’t regret past treatment decisions.

I hoped never to face the kinds of treatment decisions I will be making. The tumor has been removed, but my surgeon told me it had the consistency of mashed potatoes and he’s sure some was left behind even if its undetectable. If I do opt for the cyberknife radiation treatment and intense chemotherapy that are currently being recommended, the only way we will know if it’s successful is if no metastases show up. I face the big dilemma in the current state of cancer treatment. We know that the current standard treatments cause collateral damage. In giving and receiving these treatments we hope the that we are doing more good than harm. The research on finding more targeted treatments is promising and also in it’s infancy. I am fascinated to see what the future holds in this area but it may not be a viable option for me now.

I am gathering information and adjusting to my newly named situation at a rate that reminds my of the title of a fine short story by Grace Paley, ‘Enormous Changes at the Last Minute’ I keep coming back to my initial intuition that whatever happens I will be fine. So I have to be open to the whole damn human experience, not just the parts I would choose if I ruled my world. I also have deep trust in my body’s innate ability to heal itself in whatever way is possible.