Last Thursday I got the news that my post-op MRI revealed
that a portion of my tumor remains inside me. The surgeon removed all he could
see and access approaching through my back but because of it’s location a good
part of it remained hidden. I surprised myself by moving quickly from shock, to
questioning, to completely revising my plans for August and letting go of plans
that were dear to me. It just became clear that surgery as soon as possible is
what I want.

Tomorrow at 8:30 am I will have a second surgery with an approach through my
abdomen to remove the remaining tumor at UCSF Long Hospital on Parnassus or as a
nurse friend of mine calls it- Big Serious. I’ve been listening to my classic
Bell Ruth Napersack, Prepare for Surgery cd over and over again and I am
trusting in my demonstrated abilities to heal well and quickly. But Yikes this
is daunting.

Here is the one dream that I’ve remembered in the last few weeks and it destined
how I feel about the treatments that are ahead of me.

7/21
Dream before waking. I was out in a beautiful forest somewhere near Yosemite
with a biologist who was doing a study to assess the environmental damage to a
plot of land. A large blue and brown butterfly-moth fluttered near me. The
biologist wanted me to catch it for the study. I reached out and pinched his
wings between my thumb and forefinger. I could feel him struggling as I tried to
hold on tightly enough to keep him without crushing his wings. The biologist
came over and ran a swab over it to take some type of sample. Then I released
the butterfly-moth and he flew erratically up into the sky. He appeared
disoriented and I worried that I had damaged him too badly to survive. As I
watched and worried he landed on a rooftop and a few other butterflies joined
him. I woke up still feeling the energy of his struggle as I held him between my
fingers.

Something that has come to me clearly through this crisis is that writing and
sharing what I write is a lifeline for me and will help me get through whatever
lies ahead.