First I want to report that my daughter Sia has just finished her first week as a freshman at Westminster college. I think it is a good sign that she is not feeling too homesick that her first message to me, was: Love you Mom, classes are awesome, could you please send me the items on this list…

I’m so glad I was able to make the trip to Salt Lake City with her and I’m impressed with the support Westminster provide for their students. Her room mate’s family lives locally and they invited Sia to come  to their house for home cooked meals on weekends. Yeah, she’ll be fine.

Sometime last weekend, I realized that sending Sia off to college marked the end of my period of useful denial. My desire to protect her from my fears and doubts was a great incentive to protect myself from them too.  The first couple weeks of recovery from surgery were straight forward, then I developed nerve pain in my left foot and leg  that seemed to be slowly increasing. Since I returned from Utah it seems to have stabilized and even subsides overnight sometimes. This pain as well as feeling ill sometimes as my digestive system struggles to regain it’s equilibrium after surgery have broken down my denial. Also, the post surgery pathology reports leave no doubt that my tumor is malignant. My pipe dream that the doctors would say, “Guess what your tricky tumor fooled us again, turns out it’s benign after all” – went up in smoke.

I returned home to the freedom and quiet of an empty house where I no longer had to make any pretense of keeping up appearances. But I also returned to a week of scans and tests results that have brought little good news, even more uncertainty, and glimpses into the tough times that lie ahead of during treatment.

The good news- new scans this week show that my tumor has not spread to any other organs. Also, the docs have been communicating with me and with each other, and consulting the doctors at other cancer centers to develop the best possible treatment plan for me. I feel I am in the best hands possible and am in awe of their expertise and dedication.

The complications – The next planned step in my treatment was radiation therapy. Even though this tumor may have been triggered by the previous pelvic radiation I had in 2006, the current evidence shows that radiation for this tumor will provide the best chance to prevent the tumor from growing back locally. My intuition is on board with this, which surprises me. I’ll think of it as an extreme form of homeopathy. The problem is that my small bowel which is right next to the tumor has already received close to the maximum dose it can safely tolerate. It is important that the radiation be targeted precisely with minimal dosage to surrounding tissues. My radiation oncologist, thinks the best option may be  five to ten sessions of Cyberknife radiation. He is also considering proton beam radiation. I had a Cyberknife simulation session last week and then when I was in Utah I got a call asking me to come back for another simulation session laying face down because my bowel was too much in the way. I got another call early this week asking if I thought I was able to lay on my belly for an hour. I said “I don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out.”   The radiation oncologist mentioned that if laying on my belly doesn’t work,they have been talking to the docs at Memorial Sloan Kettering who routinely do a percutaneous procedure in which they insert bags into the abdomen through little slits and fill them with saline pushing the bowel away from the tumor and protecting it from radiation exposure.  I half expect to get another call asking – Can you pat your head and rub your belly while singing Amazing Grace?

The most distressing news is the results of my latest MRI on Tuesday. There is a rim of tissue around the edge of the tumor excision site that has grown thicker since the post-op MRI in the hospital just a few weeks ago. It could be scar tissue or it could be the tumor is already starting to grow back again. Post surgery scans are very hard to interpret. The oncologists and surgeons are discussing what is best to do next and will be contacting me this week. It is possible I may need surgery number three. My poor belly cringes at the thought. I’m trying to trust my initial intuition that whatever happens I will be ok. It is getting very difficult and sometimes overwhelming.

In the midst of all this, I went to look at a very attractive studio apartment this afternoon not far from where I live now and closer to a nice little commercial neighborhood. It  would save me a lot of money in rent and utilities and do wonders for my sense of financial security. I’m going to sleep on it, but if it’s offered to me, I think I will take it. I also decided to go on full disability. I’ve been working a bit between surgeries and while I like my job a lot, I realized I need to make my health and creative expression my top priorities.

Every time I think I am starting to adjust some new challenge comes along. Writing makes me sound a lot more together than I feel. It also helps me put myself back together when I fall apart.