According to http://www.definition-of.com/scanxiety the condition I am currently experienceing has a word to describe it: hyperscanxiety

Scanxiety: the tension which builds particularly amongst those who have or have had cancer as they move towards their regular check up scan, hyperscanxiety being the period as they await results!

I thought I had coined a new word ‘scanxiety’  but after consulting Google I quickly realized my hubris. Not only has the term been around at least as long as Google (over a decade), with 16, 400 entries, it has derivatives. Now I can say that my noodling around on the world wide web is healthy coping mechanism not just a great way to procrastinate.

I had my scans friday morning, no big deal.   I went to lunch with a good friend and we took a long walk from Ft. Mason along the marina towards the Golden Gate Bridge.  Driving home later I pulled over to answer a phone call and  saw that I had a message from my oncologists office. Why would they be calling me and so soon? My mind shot to the time they sent me to the hospital right after scans because they thought I had an infection. I wanted to think this was an appointment reminder but just knew it was something bad.  Adrenalin fueled daymares filled me. I needed to get home before facing the terrible news so I forced myself  to pay attention and got back on the road.   It was just a robo appointment reminder. I took a long bath.

My appointment is scheduled late this afternoon and I will know the results, clear, not clear, or indeterminate.  The doctors have known the results for a couple of days but I asked to get results at by appointment rather than by phone on purpose.  From past experience, I know that good news about test results generally comes more quickly than bad news. For me, there are few things worse than waiting for a call that doesn’t come and then trying to find out why. A couple days delay in  to hear good news is a small price to pay. If its bad news, the delay will be a blessing.

When I woke up this morning, I lingered in bed enjoying the quiet comfort of normalcy. Tomorrow morning could be very much the same. In that case, this morning will fade from my memory.  Or this morning could stand out in my memory as the last morning before troubles began again. It was worth savoring in any case.

The next chapter will begin soon and I won’t keep you in suspense much longer than me.