I suppose there are people who finish cancer treatment and put it behind them. They don’t make a fuss about it, just get on with their lives.  I imagine their philosophy is – ‘If  the horse throws you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off,  get back in the saddle and ride’.

Then there are people who say that cancer  has  transformed their lives for the better. When they get back in the saddle they find they are riding a unicorn that can fly. They make big changes, shed lifelong habits that don’t serve them, leave hurtful relationships,  start new careers, new families, launch foundations, write books, etc.

I don’t fit in either category.  Too often I find myself pre-grieving future regrets.  I sit in the pasture and each time the horse goes by I count lost opportunities, past and present, and feel how sad I will be when the inevitable day comes that I won’t be able to get back in any saddle.

I  thought that going through serious  cancer treatment would make me a braver person, more willing to take risks. If I survived that, why not do other things I have always been afraid of like sky diving or ocean kayaking or saying exactly what I think without worrying about how others will respond. I still have no desire to skydive, so I guess that doesn’t count. Ocean kayaking is more attractive  but even in calm water I’m  afraid of tipping over and getting stuck under the kayak. Speaking my truth? I can’t even decide how to answer my email.

If anything, I’ve become more timid.  Its as if I stored all my cowardice away just to get through treatment  and now if has come back in full force.  Crisis simplifies things for me. My priorities become clear. My survival is at stake and I know what to do. Dump me back into day to day decisions about regular life and I cringe before my calendar, my refrigerator, my clothes closet, and especially, the blank page.

Many of the mainstream stories about people with cancer are about the innocent and/or brave victims or brave survivors. What about the cowardly or guilty victims and cowardly survivors? As soon as you slap the label ‘brave’ on someone, you imply that there are others who are cowards. Innocent implies that there are those who are guilty. Does the person who smokes regularly for twenty years deserve to get cancer?  What about another person who smokes the same amount and lives to a ripe old age cancer free?

If I think too much about finding the right words, I wind up thinking myself into silence. I dream of writing about beautiful night-mares who can’t be ridden but are essential to living.

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It was a sunny beautiful Gay Pride day in San Francisco, a day for celebration.  I’m all for anything that promotes loving relationships. I’m glad that more same sex couples can choose to be married and that the federal government will give them benefits. I hope they will change the institution of marriage more than it changes their relationships. Personally, I’m not a fan of marriage because it creates a distinction between legitimate and illegitimate children and I don’t like that it encourages people to  think or say “Well, if you really loved me, you’d marry me.”

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My daughter Sia and I flying to Norway in  mid- July. I  hope to travel blog about our adventures.