“Patience is also a form of action.”
― Auguste Rodin

This is what I tell myself as the weeks have turned into months and I have not updated this blog in spite of my conscious intentions.  Today as 2013 reels off into history, I write to let you know I’m still here and in good health.

I feel much the same as I did in June still in post treatment limbo impatient with myself for taking too long to ‘get over it’ and move on with my life.  I read a lot and I don’t write much. I don’t feel I have anything to say but I hope I will write anyway because really there is nothing new under the sun and yet its all new from moment to moment.  My granddaughter lost her first tooth recently and I was amazed by this commonplace miracle. Now her permanent tooth is visible and a second baby tooth is getting very wobbly.  I lost another dear friend to cancer last month, and  that still seems impossible even though it is another commonplace miracle. It is stunning and will always seem too soon.

‘Living fully with uncertainty is an  art I have yet to master.’ I wrote that back in the fall of 2010.  Now, I find the notion of mastery I thought possible, naive. My healthy coating of protective denial has been stripped away.  My substitutes of choice have turned out to be lumpy security blankets of avoidance, numbness and inertia.  Maybe if I just lie under these blankets time will stop and nothing bad can happen- Whoops, too similar to the the stillness of the coffin. Maybe this is yet another stage of recovery, the cocoon stage and with enough patience I can emerge with renewed creative energy. That’s what I’m going to imagine.

Soon it will be 2014 here in California, so many are already ahead of us. The sun will come up just as it did today and we’ll roll though more predictable seasons and uncertain events. Wishing you, and yours, health and love.